Bulimia, the eating disorder that is so often easily ignored. You don't tend to lose weight drastically and may seem completely healthy and this is the reason why bulimia is, in some ways a worse illness than anorexia. I can tell you from experience this is true. I suffered from anorexia for 3 years and felt id finally hit rock bottom when at 16 I was finally admitted into hospital weighing so little doctors feared my organs may fail. Little was I prepared for the hell that followed.
Bulimia is destructive- you hate yourself for eating and you hate yourself for bingeing and vomiting, the more you do it the more you hate yourself for it, so the worse it becomes. I'd often long for my "anorexic self" back. At its worse I was being sick up to four or five times a day. You can't even begin to imagine what that does to your body. It puts you at risk from throat and stomach cancer as well as rotting your teeth, making you feel dehydrated and dizzy all the time and making you feel like the most disgusting thing on this earth. Yet no one knew. No one was concerned for my health anymore- everyone thought I was fully recovered. That I had managed to beat my food daemons. It wasn't until a friend discovered me that the truth came out. Bulimia is harder to spot but it's no less dangerous. The fact it often goes undetected is perhaps the most dangerous part of it.
When I was anorexic I knew I felt fat and miserable all the time but I knew also that I was doing something about that in not eating. Being Bulimic I also felt fat and miserable but that was joined by a self-loathing and depression id never experienced before. I HATED myself for not being anorexic again and I HATED myself for getting fat when I had worked so hard to get thin and I HATED myself for the binging and vomiting. It was out of control and in so many other ways so was I. I had gone from being a quiet, sensible anorexic, to a girl who drank-a lot, and who had no self respect. The depression got worse- probably due to the effects of constantly vomiting- and so did I. I hit rock bottom and it was nothing like before as there was no one there to catch me. I didn't look ill so no one believed I was.
Feeling alone and completely confused I went to my doctor and was referred to see yet another counsellor. I'll be honest, for me it never worked. Sure, it helped me face up to my problems but it never solved them. In fact, I would probably still be the depressed, self destructive girl if it wasn't for my best friend and the guy who is now my boyfriend and who has slowly taught me to respect myself and that it is not what other people think of me that is important.
Coming to York was hard. My mum wanted me to take a year out to make sure I really was well. I did fear I would slip back into my anorexic ways as id begun to obsess over food again and I knew my support network would be gone. Thankfully I haven't yet succumbed to it but the bulimia is still there. However, it rarely hits me now and only at times when i'm really stressed. Now I exercise when I feel down rather then reaching for food. In fact I'm training to do the Race For Life in June, which has given me something positive to work to. I enjoy life now and have no wish to be stuck in the vicious cycle, which is bulimia. The one, which drains you of all energy and self worth and makes every day a stuggle.
