I came to University in October 2003. I was thin and underweight, but I didn't think anything was wrong. Looking back I realise that I probably was anorexic or had anorexic tendencies. I didn't set out to become thin though, I actually began losing weight after I had been diagnosed with a wheat intolerance in the summer uni.

I have never really counted calories or over-exercised, but with the stress of A-levels and not fitting in at school I put more control over my food more than ever, without conscious effort. I would skip lunch as I often had other commitments, like choir or band practise, and would think nothing of it. Once school was finished and I started uni I had a lot more time on my hands, and was still trying to make friends and become part of a social group, but my limited food intake continued. 

I think I had a fear of food due to my wheat intolerance--before I knew I had it, I had been ill with stomach cramps after meals. Restricting wheat from my diet meant I cut out alot of food which I had previously enjoyed - pizza, toast, pasta, biscuits and cake, even chocolate. Perhaps I began to use my wheat intolerance as an excuse for not eating certain things.  Maybe i did this because of my worries about not being able to fit in socially.  I always had trouble fitting in at school, desperate to be one of the popular and confident girls though knew she didn't have what it takes. Perhaps I ate less because this depressed me (?).

Things got better in my first year at uni though. I had conselling. I began to incorporate more food into my daily meals and tried to have snacks. I tried to understand why I was eating less than your 'average' person, and realise that my wheat allergy shouldn't deprive me of rich or 'naughty' food, like  chocolate and crisps. Unfortunatley for me, instead of the balance being settled at 'normal' it swung to the opposite side to not eating to over eating. I began binge eating and purging. This was in the summer term 2004. Perhaps I was making up for all the food I had deprived myself of previously, perhaps it was part of my worries of fitting in, or perhaps it was because of a million other reasons, but it happened and still continues today.

Yet, now I have more control over my bulimia, though it still likes to make itself known now and then, just to keep me on my toes. It has been and is still such a struggle to cope with this food disorder at university. In the hardest times (could you tell us what those times were, what stresses you responed to, was it just after being with lots f people?) I found myself gorging on food (things like cereal and biscuits are my first choice).  This happened especialy after a day when I'd been with lots of people in a seminar group or just going to the library and having to face the hords of people in there. All I would want to do was get back to my room as soon as I could to be on my own, to cut myself off from the world, to eat in my space. My safety.  I would eat without thinking about what i was doing: shovelling food into my mouth like a robot while distracting myself with the TV. After binging, the guilt sets in. My self-hatred excels to new heights. I would think: 'why have I let this happen again, when the last time was going to be the ever last time?' Then I make myself sick and/or starve myself until another binge craving sets itself in motion and the whole self-destructive pattern starts all over again. There were times when I was so angry with myself that I self-harmed, wanting to punish myself for my actions, or just desparate for an anwser to this apparently irrational behaviour...

I got some help through the health centre at uni and things have definitely improved but I think this is something which I will always have to deal with. If I can keep it controlled and keep this 'monster' out of sight for as long as possible then hopefully it should fade away some more and leave me alone for good. Food will always be an issue for me: I still find it very hard to eat with other people, and I still want to stuff myself after having been in an awkward social situation, I still get urges to raid the fridge of food - but i have to try and remember how much better I am now than I was a year ago. There is hope but it is hard to reach the place where you feel like 'you' again and the path there is full of uncertainity. This may sound negative but you have to realise that it is a struggle to overcome something like this for many people, but it is possible.You have to want to change your behaviour and know what this is and how to change, which is difficult in itself.