The one thing that I remember during my first week at university was something the student union president said in his introduction speech: "Not everyone at university is going to be your best friend." At the time I think I nodded in admiration at such a realistic, perhaps some might say pessimistic, statement to present to a crowd of Freshers literally bouncing with excitement. The advice however, did not stay with me for very long and after a few days I was embroiled in the fast paced social culture York has to offer. Two years on, friends have come and gone, feuds have waxed and waned from the tiff to all out war and my personal definition of the word "friendship" has significantly altered. This might sound all a little cynical but really, on the brink of my final year of study, I believe I am at the happiest I've been since enrolling two years ago.
The first thing everyone finds when arriving at university is how nice everyone is, almost without exception. Ok, so there might be one figure who you'll use an outlet for your of antisocial angst, but trust me within in the first five minutes, you'll have attained a small fellowship of people. Now there is no need to be suspicious of people on first encounter, indeed anyone with such an attitude is unlikely to make any friends at all, but just note in the back of your mind that this is the honeymoon period. You don't really know these people who you've been rudely shoved together with and indeed, they don't know you. In fact this isolation is one of the factors that propagates such a social environment of love and inclusion in these first few happy days of university life. Ironically, everyone is under intense stress at this time; having been wrenched away from their families, for some a void of hundreds, maybe even thousands of miles now lie between them and their loved ones. Everyone is looking for comfort and security and I'd be very surprised if you don't receive a warm welcome by those around you.
Now of course I am not saying that there is some sort of masquerade occurring in these first few days; that it's a conspiratorial environment in which everyone is a two-faced liar, but there is clearly a conflict of interest that you should be made aware of. Fortunately, the student union and university are on hand to help you develop positive relationships during your first week. Indeed the union will pull out every trick in the book to get you engaging with as many people as possible. Mainly, as you can expect from any organisation run by students, this will involve alcohol, partying, alcohol… partying. At least that's all I remember from my Freshers week. There are of course other social engagements arranged if that's not your bag, but you can bet that those events that are most publicised and have the most attendance, involve getting drunk. In some ways this is a very good way of socialising; your stress levels will be significantly reduced, conversation will happen much easier and you'll all have something to discuss together in the morning. But beware the dictatorial hand that underlies these social events. Don't force yourself to do things that you don't want to do. Ok, so everyone has "not felt like it" and then been cajoled and had a great night out. Indeed, I remember being physical wrenched from a lamppost in my first term. But if you really aren't feeling like it, do not think you're letting down your social responsibilities and that you'll be some how left bloodied by the wayside while everyone buggers off without you. You are merely stating a preference. Surprisingly I have found that such a simple act is the good way of finding out if you are developing positive friendships. If someone turns to you and says, "Hey no worries, maybe another time", you're probably on to a good bet. Those who say something like "Don't be such a--" followed by some sort of expletive, might knock you but in the long run aren't worth your time.
The one thing to note about alcohol as well, is that most of the time, if you're not bawling your eyes out, or vomiting, everyone loves everyone else. In a good way. I would suggest that 'moderation' is the key word here. Not just for you health but trust me, having a chat about the meaning of life to the kebab shop man, does not constitute a friendship. Really good ways of meeting new people on a regular basis are sports clubs and societies and again the university provides with the AU Mart and Freshers Fair. It is true that York university clubs and socs have a reputation for being cliquey and in some cases such a reputation is justified. Furthermore, you might find that you're a little apprehensive to go beyond the social group you've developed back in halls. Both factors can, to many of us, be a barrier to penetrating these new groups and I'm not going to lie and say that certainly there is an element of an established order prior to your arrival. All I can say is just go for it. The best way to think about it is: what have I got to lose? Are they going to kill you? No. And certainly no-one is going to tell you to get the hell out. And even if they do, so what? You definitely know they're not going to be your friend. Clubs and socs are all about exposing yourself outside your comfort zone, in an environment where the worst that can happen is you lose interest. Most clubs and socs have introductory sessions and the AU Mart and Freshers Fair are great opportunities to chat with the people that run them.
The third place you'll find that you're making friends is within your classes and lectures. Again these are great place to expand your social experiences. Automatically you'll have something in common with these people, what with the obvious common element of your degree choice. They also great places to have frank discussions with people and even if they will tend to be debates about your subject, you're confidence with raising issues with people or just in conversation and articulation will increase rapidly. With this in mind, I have found that subject based friendships can be some of the most rewarding you can have, but what I would say is that you have to be willing to (again) place yourself outside your comfort zone. In class, like halls, you'll feel in a controlled environment, but elsewhere departments do run social events that you should try not to shy away from. If you do, you run the risk of confining your relationships to your subject. You'll either be having ritualised conversation about such-and-such a deadline, or meaningless nods as you pass in the corridor (if you're lucky), when you could be having a much more fruitful relationship. Don't use classes as your only interface with your classmates.
The one thing to remember that underlies all the advice I've given above, is that life at uni is not just a exercise in comrade collecting. You will find that this kind of thing will be shoved in your face incessantly; especially if you sign up to Facebook. Friends are an integral part of your life at university, but this is also perhaps your last chance, before getting into postgraduate careers, to play things on your terms. I'm not saying you should go out of your way to be aloof, but if you don't like the way someone acts don't feel bad for it. The climate of clique you may well find at York is not necessarily something you should whore yourself out to, I mean students are at their best when they don't like something and the protest boards come out. Indeed, conversing and debating should not affect your social relationships, they should strengthen them, because that's what university is for- new ideas, not going with the flow. Don't forget as well that there is a whole community outside uni in the local area. If you decide to take a job don't be afraid to build friendship in the workplace, you'll find that the huge void between the locals and the student population is largely an imagined one. At the beginning of this article I made of point of not being cynical when discussing the subject of friends at university, and I hope I haven't given the impression that I'm some sort of social scrooge. But because, in my second year I grew tired of going with the flow, played thing on my terms and yeah, pissed a few people off, I am better for it. The bonds I have with friends now are stronger for having gone through the odd rough patch and most importantly I now enjoy university life a whole lot more. After all, the sweet ain't as sweet, without the sour.
